Knowing is Half the Battle, but the Campaign Lasts a Lifetime

As I approach a major turning point in my life, I've been reflecting on the many lessons I've learned over the years. I will be entering law school at the same age my parents were when they uprooted from their home and family in West Virginia, drove south, flipped a coin, and rebuilt their lives in the foreign land of North Carolina. I have faced that very real possibility myself; twice in fact. There have been two times in the past three years where I was a hair's breadth from packing everything I owned and moving to Orlando with nothing but a couple of very good, and very dear, friends to give me a safe place to crash, and whatever opportunity I could carve out for myself. I've never hit rock bottom before, but I've seen it from a not so vast distance that I couldn't see the jagged points down there. I've been reflecting on how I got here, and what I've learned in my nearly three and a half decades. The beauty and the bitch of life is that we learn something new everyday, and we will keep experiencing the same rotten outcomes if we fail to use what we learn, but the flip side is also true. If we use what we learn, then we can experience the same wonderful outcomes that can come our way.

Many of these lessons will overlap. Many of these lessons are contradictory. Welcome to being a human being. We are flawed, fragile beings, and live day to day, hour to hour, making decisions and living our lives the best we possibly can. We're not always going to live up to our own ideals, or those imposed upon us. We will, or we will not, but there is no final answer. Only another decision that comes our way.

So, here is what I've learned a priori, with absit invidia to any who taught me these lessons:

1. It can always be worse.
No matter how bad your life is, it can always be worse. That's just a fact, but it can also be comforting. It can help put things into perspective, and by realizing that you do have some things to be thankful for, you're never starting from zero. It helps to start from a point of strength, even if that's only the $10.00 in your pocket. It could be worse: you may not have had that $10.00.

2. Never mix friends and funds. This is tricky. I'd give anyone the shirt off my back if need be, but beware those who would take advantage of you. Family and friends are there to support one another. We are stronger because of our close relationships, but know when to say no more. Friends can come to expect you to subsidize them, and when that changes, you'll see how much your friendship changed as well. Money can and will ruin any relationship: family, friends, marriages, partnerships, etc. Keep money and your friendships as far apart as possible.

3. Know who your friends are.
This is important, if nothing else to keep you grounded. I've learned this lesson the hard way through my own stupidity, stubbornness, and downright inability to have thought clearly.

4. Know who your friends are not.
This is more important, and it's incredibly difficult to grasp. Only experience can teach you this, but always keep the door open for them to become your friends again. It takes two to ruin or heal a relationship, if you're doing more than 50% of the work, then wise up.

5. Support those you can, however you can.
You can't save everyone, but you can at least give them a leg up. If you can help someone, do it. You don't have to take care of them, but every little bit helps. From something as simple as buying them a refreshing beverage when their day sucks, to something as selfless as paying their rent when they are on hard times. But sometimes doing nothing is the best thing you can do. Know where the line is.

6. Know when to ask for help.
There is no shame in needing help. It is often the hardest thing to do, because pride is a hell of a wall to overcome. But know your limits. It is better to stop a free fall now than to hit bottom. We can't always stand on our own, and it takes strength to understand that, and act upon it.

7. Know your limits, but always try to exceed them.
Limits exist for a reason. They are the end of your safe zone. This is in all things, from physical, financial, social, and educational bounds. But that doesn't mean you can't cross that line, slowly, with measured focus, until that line moves. We all have limits. We will always have limits. But that doesn't mean we can't redefine them.

8. Do what is best for you.
Take care of #1. There is nothing wrong with being selfish. Be generous to yourself, as you would be generous to others. Enjoy your success, look for the next opportunity, and chose your sacrifices well. If you find yourself miserable, you have not done yourself any favors by the choices you have made.

9. Know why you believe what you believe.
Follow no one or no thing blindly. Do not judge until you have as many of the facts as possible. Blind faith is dangerous, and foolish. Faith manages. Faith is necessary. But know why you have that faith. You are cheating yourself if you don't.

10. Life travels in strange, loopy circles.
Good things come, good things go. The equally bad wings your way with a similar frequency. People you knew can always turn up, and people who leave your life may not be gone forever. Beware the bridges you burn. It's better to simply walk away, because you may travel that way again. However, if you burn a bridge, do it with style and no mercy, but do it with the full knowledge that it may come back to haunt you.

11. Treat others as you would want them to treat your _____.
We are all somebody's somebody. Treat everyone you encounter as you would want someone you care about treated by a stranger. If the stranger comes off the lesser person, then feel free to unload on them if necessary.

12. Life is too short for grudges.
Regardless of how people treat you, move on, because you're going to wake up one day and it will be your last day. It will come faster than you think. Holding negativity for too long hurts only yourself, and when your last day comes, do you want to reflect on your life and remember how much time you wasted on all that negativity?

13. A leap of faith can be the best thing you ever do, but be prepared to accept the consequences.
Sometimes the only step you can make in the right direction is off of a cliff with a fog shrouded bottom. It is extremely motivating to try to learn to fly on the way down, and it will force you to take actions you may not have done otherwise. In conflict there is growth and change, and new doors can open for you. But go into it with the full knowledge that it could turn out terribly wrong, leaving you worse than when you took the leap. Do this only when the unknown is preferable to the known.

14. Find what makes you happy and keep doing it.
I can't stress this enough. If you find something that brings you joy, for god's sake don't let go of it. Unless it's a crack pipe. That's not the kind of joy you need.

15. Enjoy the silence.
There is nothing like quiet time. We usually never get enough of it, but when you get it, relish it.

16. Enjoy the noise.
Make it, take it, and encourage it. Life is noisy, so as long as it's noisy, you're living a life worth living.

17. Always do what is right, even if it means you are wrong.
This cannot be stressed enough. It is always the right thing to do the right thing. There may be consequences, but pay them and move on. The hardest thing to do in many occasions is the right thing, as it seems contrary to human nature.

18. If you make a mess, clean it up.
Ask for help if you need it, but don't ever leave your problems or consequences for someone else to make right.

19. Know when to wash your hands, and decide whether you want to dirty them again.
Sometimes, the best and only thing you can do is walk away. Whether it's a person, place or situation, there will come times when you have to decide how much longer you are going to hold on. You will also be faced with when to take it up again, and whether it's worth it to try again. Do neither of these things in haste.

20. Know your mind, speak your mind, but never close your mind.
Know what you know, and never be afraid to express it. However, you will never know everything, and always be ready to accept that you are wrong. You could have old, incomplete, or downright wrong information. Challenge why you know what you know, and you will be closer to the truth of things.

21. Get what you want, want what you get, but don't fall in love with the idea of something.
If you examine your life closely, and you find yourself out of sync with the above, you will probably find you are not happy with your life.

22. Take time to appreciate what you have.
Whether it's an afternoon with your friends, family, children, pets, alone, or any combination of the above, make the time for it, and enjoy what you have struggled for. In life, you will have what you have, and will always want more. But don't let what you don't have overshadow what you do.

23. Always do right by your friends and family, even if they don't do right by you.
Those closest to you will often hurt you the most. We're just wired that way. But there is nothing more important in your life than those closest to you. We're all going to do the wrong thing to one another, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. But if we all try to do the right thing, we'll succeed with one another more than we fail.

24. Failure is not an option, but it happens.
Know it. Accept it. Fix it. Learn from it. Move on. Both with yourself and with others. We are imperfect beings. We are going to make mistakes. At work, at school, at home, in public, in life, ad nauseum. Life will be easier once you learn this, and you are able to forgive yourself and others for their mistakes.

25. Swear, often, frequently, and with imagination.
Polite company is essential, and by no means should you do so without regard to your surroundings. Depending on your job, it may be an essential method of communication, or it could be a firing offense. I would be appalled if one of my friends children mimicked some of the profanity of which I am proficient. It would be hilarious, in its own way, but inappropriate and a disservice to the child. However, a good swear is an art, a means to bond, and an exercise of linguistic imagination. Swearing is also a great stress reliever. Just, for everyone's sake, know where you are before you do so!

26. Laugh.
Seriously. Always do your best to find the humor in life. Somethings are not funny, but a good laugh at the worst of times can be a welcome thing. I am not a fan of funerals. I abhor them over almost anything, but a good wake is a great way to say goodbye. And a wake isn't any good if you're not rejoicing at the life of the departed. I prefer to remember those who are gone through the things that made me happy about them, and not their final slumber. So, laugh, even when it's the last thing you may want to do.

27. Developing a plan is always a step in the right direction.
You cannot go wrong with a plan. Even if it's just to get up in the morning and wash your dishes. A plan will give you a direction to go, goals to achieve, and quantifiable progress. A plan means you know how to solve a problem, and it will help you to get there.

28. Follow through with your plans.
Just having a plan is not enough. You have to have the energy and desire to accomplish the steps. An unfulfilled plan does you no good. Having a plan, but failing to act on it is self-delusion.

29. Be honest with yourself.
If you can't do this, your doing yourself a great disservice. You should have enough self-respect to do this. If you're happy being an alcoholic, then don't tell yourself you're not. No matter who you are and what you do, you should be able to look yourself in the mirror. If you can't, then you already know you're letting yourself down.

30. Money isn't everything, but it is necessary.
Money is the root of all evil. It will destroy lives as easy as it will make lives. It will not buy happiness, but it might buy opportunity. It will not buy love, but it will secure companionship. Money will decide value, but it does not establish worth. It will pay the rent, the power, the groceries, and it will keep life moving. It is a necessity, but it is not everything. If it is, you will never be happy, because there is not enough money in the world to buy happiness.

31. It can always be better.
Always strive to improve yourself. It's great to be content. It's great to be comfortable. It's great to be satisfied. It's not great to be complacent. Always try for just a little more. It's what makes life worth living.

There are as many lessons as there are days in our lives. This list is far from complete, and my answers may not be yours.